Boundaries: The Fence and the House.

Why are boundaries so important? For a long time I, like many others, asked this question. After reflection and practice I realised that they can help us communicate our needs to others and ourselves.

I like to think of boundaries as fences around a garden and a home (you and your self worth) It's true you can't control what people do when they enter into your space but if people keep wandering onto your property and trodding in your garden or damaging your home  (you and your self worth) maybe we need to think about a fence or sometimes a big barricade with a moat. 

Without the fence or wall or barricade, people start to walk through your garden thinking it's a footpath or they draw graffiti tags on your home as there's nothing stopping them. They can come in and out as they choose, causing whatever damage they want to your home ( you and your self worth). It can be really harmful, people do as they please to you and it will eventually impact your self worth among other things, you can be left thinking that you don’t deserve to be treated with respect or kindness at all.

What others do to you and your self worth isn't your responsibility or your fault but you can protect against damage. You don't have control over other people's decisions and behaviours but you can make it harder for them to do those things and get away with it. 

Boundaries can feel really foreign and scary when you're not used to them. They can be linked to selfishness or aggressiveness but they are just another tool to communicate our needs as individuals. It can take a long time to reframe these things to mean something positive and healing, ‘Im being selfish’ becomes ‘my needs are important too.’, ‘Assertiveness and aggression are the same’ changes to ‘Assertiveness is a really useful tool to help me put myself first.’ and ‘boundaries are scary and intangable’ turns into ‘Boundaries are vital for healthy relationships with myself and others.’ 

Believe me the journey has twists and turns, it takes practice and a whole lot of overthinking in the beginning but like learning the piano or picking up a new hobby, the more you practise the easier it becomes and the rewards are countless, from increasing your self worth and confidence to your self awareness and self assurance.

It's not about blocking people out or fencing yourself in, it's about knowing where your property starts and ends and having the power and freedom to decide if you want any visitors, on your terms.